Val-yawn-ah

I'm not an I told you so kind of gal, but in this case I will say: I DID call it. For those expecting Assassin's Creed Valhalla to be magnificent or groundbreaking or even super fun, I say you haven't been paying attention. The Assassin's Creed franchise hasn't been any of those things Since AC2 and that's okay. If you go into an Ubisoft game with Ubisoft expectations you won't be disappointed...

Except even I was a little disappointed. I really loved AC Odyssey. I couldn't wait to whoop some ass...or tap some ass in that game. It seems as though EVERYTHING in Valhalla is one big step backward compared to Odyssey. The combat is clunkier, the quests somehow boring as hell, and there is even LESS of a connection to the whole assassin brotherhood. It's as though they wanted to make a Viking RPG but wanted people actually to buy it so they slapped the Assassin's Creed brand on it. I'm about two-thirds of the way through this game and I understand I'm about to be hit with a whammy that is irreconcilable with previous AC lore. Can't wait to see what that is.

As a Viking RPG, it's still just okay. It involves a good amount of lore and a basic understanding of historical Scandinavian culture. That being said, the wonky combat alone takes the joy out of raiding monasteries and murdering helpless monks. Actually the game fusses at you if Eivor kills civilian by-standers. W.T.F? Cuz as we all know, Viking raiders were oh so concerned about the rules of engagement when raiding and plundering.

Honestly, I've been struggling to get to the end of the story because the game just lacks the hook. What I want is a game to grab hold of me and not let me go until my family has staged an intervention and my boyfriend is on the verge of leaving me. That is what I want and that is the exact opposite of how I feel when playing AC Valhalla. In fact I willingly stopped playing yesterday because the dishwasher needed loading. Seriously.

All I can say is: Come on, Cyberpunk. Mama needs a hit of that sweet, that nasty, that funky stuff! Please take my hygiene and my interpersonal relationships to an all time low. Help me CD Projekt Red! You're my only hope!