I'm Sick of This Shark $h*t!

Actually, it was two sharks I was hired to go all misthios on. And in my defense were this a real life situation my solution would've made more sense than the way I assume Assassin's Creed meant for me to kill the sharks. I'll elaborate on that in a minute.

Given yesterday's connectivity issues and the fact that I got my period today (oh joy) I figured playing a story game would be the best way to prevent self-harm and/or the defenestration of my PS4. I'd purchased Assassin's Creed Antiquity bundle a couple nights ago for just such an occasion.

Before I began gorging on the content feast that is AC Odyssey, I checked in on my burgeoning GTAV criminal empire, changed my character into a really cute black floral cocktail dress, did a club promo mission and switched DJs back to The Tale of Us. Sorry, The Black Madonna. Girl power and all that, but I wasn't a fan of the music you sample when it first came out in the 80s. I definitely don't want to hear it on an endless remixed loop throughout my escape from reality.

That done, I started AC Odyssey with much excitement. I'd been curious about the Assassin's Creed franchise ever since AC3. In 2012 I was neck deep in PTA meetings, laundry, and creative ways to prepare ground turkey. But I digress.

The game's opening sequence where you pick your gameplay style and character felt a little intimidating, as if there's a panel of AC devs somewhere in cyberspace who shook their heads and muttered, "Punk ass bitch" when I chose normal and guided instead of hard and explorer mode "as Assassin's Creed was intended to be experienced." I'm sorry, Ubisoft, I'm a noob, please don't judge me.

I chose to play as Alexios because:
   1. I watched KM play as Kassandra and wanted to see the differences for the male character
   2. I don't feel like fending of a body-hatred shame spiral that so many female video game characters inspire.

Parameters set, character selected I was ready to immerse myself in Ancient Greece. As soon as Alexios made an "Oh no he di'n't" expression to Marcos calling him a shit heel, I knew we were going to get along just fine. The visuals in the game are gorgeous, including Alexios (yum, yum). The controls took a bit of getting used to. I keep wanting to press X or O to attack, but I have to say R1 and R2 have proven much more ergonomic.

The map and layout of the missions smack of The Witcher 2 which I'd been warned about but I love that game so no skin off my nose. It's a lot of tit for tat but the missions so far has been fun and delightfully brutal. Which brings me to the shark attack...

A husband and wife duo of vegetable farmers enlist Alexios's help to retrieve a bejeweled necklace from a shipwreck that's guarded by a fearsome shark. Even Alexios shows incredulousness at this absurd request. Kevin Hart's bit from What Now sprang to mind. But whereas Kevin declares, "I don't know who she thinks I am, but I'm not that guy." Alexios is that guy and he's sick of this shark shit.

I made my way out to the coast, sent out Ikaros to discover it's not one shark but two.  As Alexios swims out to the wreck, I wonder if I'm going to be able to draw a weapon under water. Geralt can't sword fight while submerged, but once again, Alexios proves to be that guy. I hit R1 close to the first shark and sure enough, I can indeed whoop some shark ass even while swimming. Granted, it looked absurd, but for the first beast, the inefficient strategy succeeded.

I swam toward shore to heal and then prepared to rinse and repeat. No reason to change tactics for the second one...that is until the second shark snatched me up in his teeth and shook me like a squeaky toy. He did this twice greatly damaging my health bar so once free I made a break for the shore. And in case you think I'm exaggerating the veracity of my ridiculousness, I have video proof. And you can actually see the moment in the video where I spot the Ionic (or is it Doric) pillar sticking up out of the ocean. Foxx, ya dumbass, get to the pillar and use your bow. Feeling rather sheepish, I did just that and managed to save what was left of my dubious gamer dignity with a pretty sweet headshot.

So...yeah...hand to hand (or fin?) combat with a shark. And as I stated in the beginning, if I were in the ocean for real and a shark starts heading for me, I'm going to pull my dive knife, not search around for a perch from which to fire arrows at it. Maybe I was supposed to obtain a spear first. Whatever. I got the job done. Can't wait to see what stupidity lies ahead of me tomorrow.