Alexios, Show Me Whatcha Workin' With

The last couple nights' gaming was derailed by teenage melodrama. Lord grant me the serenity not to throttle my own child. So I got on first thing this morning and played a little Assassin's Creed Odyssey before work.

Not in the mood to tackle anything serious, I made a trip to the blacksmith in Athens to see what I could purchase and up grade. And okay, I'll admit it, to see if there was anymore skimpy armor I could purchase for the guy. After all, Alexios's visual appeal is a big part of why I choose to play as him.

As soon as I saw it, I knew it was the armor I'd been searching for. The Barechested and Oiled set. I'd seen Rin use it with Kassandra and she looked pretty fearsome in it, though she wasn't Barechested so a bit of false advertising when it comes to the female character. No worries, we're used to it. This is a man's world after all.

Alexios was indeed Barechested. And bare headed and bare footed and bare handed. All of the other armor disappeared... And I wouldn't say oiled so much as dripping wet... And not in a good way. Like pooled grease floating on top of a piece of pepperoni kind of greasy.

And then there was the way he appeared during actual gameplay. Ummm, how to say this? Well, I'll just say it. He looks like a diapered chimp that's escaped from a research facility. This allusion is not helped by the strange squatty posture he affects when running or launching into battle. IMHO, he looks more potty-training ready than action ready.

So that was several thousand drachmae down the drain. Yes, it's gold armor which means it's legendary status and yes, all the other pieces of gold armor I've obtained I've been leveling up as I rank up. But this legendary fail of costume design, I will not be upgrading. Or even wearing while it's level appropriate. I want (and these past few days NEED) to lose myself in the grandeur and fantasy of the game, not wonder if I need to check the dipey of my RPG character to see if he made poopey.

Needless to say, I switched back to inferior, but much sexier Hunter's Quilt he's been rocking for much of the game. The red body paint and mostly bare body whilst displaying his other fierce accoutrements does much for my dopamine and norepinephrine production.

The game did redeem itself a bit later with a 300-esque cut scene where Alexios battles side-by-side with a Gerard Butler look alike. When they bust out the warehouse struttin' they stuff like the peacocks they deserve to be, it almost took my breath away. No lie. I even recorded it for further...ummm... scientific research >_<. So it seems I prefer my Alexios mostly bare and only lightly oiled, thank you very much Ubisoft.