Me and Mr. Kiryu (Yakuza 0)

It's no secret one of the reasons I play games for the same reason many sweaty thirty year old male virgins do: sex appeal. And one of my favorite heroes jumps into a time machine for Yakuza 0. Mr. Kiryu, Mr. Kiryu...mmm mmm mmm. He's hot as a middle aged gangster in the other Yakuza offerings, but a twenty-something Kiryu is downright delicious. Thank you Sega for the gratuitous shower scene! *Spoilers ahead*

The story begins much the way every other Yakuza story begins. Kiryu steps in sh*t, believes he must disavow his Yakuza lifestyle to fix it, but then proceeds to use his Yakuza connections to attempt to extricate himself from said pile of sh*t. Okay, so the writers of this story arc have clearly decided there's no reason to reinvent the wheel, especially not when this is a prequel. But, hey, if it ain't broke don't fix it, right?

Being the masters of telenovela type melodrama, the game's creators hook you in chapter one and don't let go. That they also weave an equally compelling tale about franchise favorite anti-hero, Goro Majima, only makes the game harder to shut off for the night when my body is screaming for sleep, but I just wanna keep playing to find out who the little blind woman is and why all these scary thug-life types want her dead.

In true Yakuza style, the two stories are intertwined in a plot so Machiavellian it makes The Usual Suspects look straightforward. As a side note, one of the mid-level bad guys looks like Colin Hanks, if Colin Hanks went on a bender for two weeks and his mother was a Japanese hooker instead of Samantha Lewes. But I digress.

The game is also an unbridled celebration of the late 80s which is either delightful or horrifying depending on which side of the Aquanet can you came down on back then. So while the economy of the game seems more inflated than a puffer fish, that's the way it was in Japan back then. Hell, it was like that everywhere then. Let's hear it for Reaganomics...no, it's cool, I'll wait while y'all go Google that term.

Another cool feature that's revived from the first game is the three various fighting styles which both Kiryu and Majima come equipped with. This means you can tailor your attack strategy depending on the type and quantity of attacker(s). Though why anyone would use any other style for Majima besides slugger is beyond me. He's so OP with his perma-bat and smacking guys around with a good ol' aluminum Louisville Slugger has such a satisfying ring to it. Not to mention the breaker style is just stupid. Dance battles are dumb enough without literally making Majima dance as a means of self-defense.

The fights get more and more outlandish as the story progresses (no lie, one dude has a radial arm saw) but I've always found this charming about the franchise. If I wanted realism I would just face reality instead of spending the bulk of my waking hours manipulating a PS4 controller.

As for the wrap-up to this fight-fest wrapped in a soap opera, it's bloody and muddy, especially the timeline for our siblings. I still can't figure out how Oda could have sold off Tachibana's sister two years before right before he met Tachibana. But Tachibana says he met Oda when he first came to Osaka which was ten years ago not two. I don't know and really I don't care. In true Yakuza fashion, the game is so fun and over the top, you forgive its shortcomings.