Serenity

My mother loved that prayer, not that she was particularly religious, but there is a resonating truth that is simple, but not easy to achieve.

I'll warn you now this isn't a cheerful post. It's not even amusingly sarcastic as is my usual method of deflection. I've been hiding, deep in the earth, deep in the ocean, deep in my own mind. MINECRAFT is that kind of meditative game for me. I've come to two conclusions:

1. SEKIRO isn't the game for me, at least not right now and no amount of stubbornly pushing through it is going to make me enjoy it. If I'm not enjoying it, why am I playing it?

2. I've been delaying (at great cost, financially and mentally) the delivery of the stuff from my parents house because I don't want to face it.

I know the container will smell of their home, that sweet, warm combination of Downy, Obsession, and Old Spice. Once those items enter my home, that scent will be forever lost. I already miss it and struggle with the fact that never again will I walk into their kitchen from the garage to the fresh breeze that was their home. It's no longer their home and it never was mine.

I also know the container holds all the family heirlooms I've no idea what to do with. Do I leave them sealed away? Do I display them proudly? Do I break my fast from drinking and down a bottle of vodka, clutching those mementos and cry and mourn the loss of a time that is well and truly over?

Sorry, not much fun today. The anniversary of Dad's death looms large and I have to stop wasting time and money avoiding the things I cannot change.

So, in lieu of gallons of vodka or cheap red wine I need to find the right game. Shush. I know I'm replacing one crutch with another but I am only human and just as frail as everyone else. At the end of the day gaming keeps my mind active and my body out of mischief so it's a much healthier crutch. And given the calisthenics I do during bathroom breaks it doesn't make me all that sedintary either.

Unfortunately, there seems to be a lack of good candidates at the moment. Cherchez la jeu. That is my quest. Find a game so absorbing, so enthralling that I forget how very f@#king miserable I am. That is the art of great devs. I don't know if they are aware of the gift they give some of us, but it does not go unappreciated. Bless the talented devs and all the beautiful code weavers for helping us find that serenity to accept. And perhaps, one day the courage to change. And wisdom, well, that's just time and experience, isn't it?